SICK AND TIRED

I'M SO SICK AND TIRED OF EVERYONE TELLING ME THAT I SHOULDN'T BE COMPLAINING AND MAD ANYMORE!  I AM FUCKING MAD AS HELL! 

The simple fact that everyone thinks that I should be fine with the fact that my son's father lives 20 feet away and is working on week two of not seeing him or doing shit for him.  I'm mad that he is now using his other kid to piss me off even though deep down I know he's equally as shitty of a parent to her.  I'm sick of the fact that he has to have SOME way to control my life and beat me to the ground and that he uses our son to do it.  He punishes our son for his own sick twisted satisfaction.  I'm SO tired of him trying to convince the world that he is SOOOO proud of being a father when really he doesn't care at all about anyone except himself.  But even more so, I'm SO tired of everyone acting like that because I need someone to vent to and empathize with me, it means that I'm not "moving on."  I've been doing everything I can to move on.  I've been going out more, trying to stress less, but he just continues to beat me up with every inch he can. 

It's set now.  By this time next year, no matter what I will be in Texas.  The only thing stopping me is him decided to fight for him, which at this point I would take cause at least it means he MIGHT want him in his life.  I have researched the costs to have my son's name changed.  It will be expensive, but his new name will still be same first name as his dad since he already responds to it, but the middle name will be his nickname and his last name will be mine.  My son deserves better then the scum that he got.  He deserves better then the bull shit that he gives him.  He will be able to bounce back from this, no matter how much harder it will be for me. 

I am sick to my stomach with anger.  I am sick to my stomach of my inability to deal with all of this bullshit.  I'm about to crack again.  I sometimes wonder what it would've been like if I had gone with my originally plan and put my son up for adoption.  If I hadn't kept him in this ridiculous situation and instead I tried to provide him with a home that had two parents.  If I had let him have what he deserves which is an actively involved mother and father.  Maybe I wouldn't be as stressed and overwhelmed and unhappy with life in general.  Perhaps everything would be better.  But, I guess it's to late to think about that.  For now I'll just keep miserably trying to get through.