Moving forward and going back

Have you ever strayed from going to church for a long time or been a weird spiritual break only to start going back and start thinking that the priest/pastor/whatever you call them in your faith wrote his sermon planning your return?  This happens to me literally every time.

I have been on this weird emotional/spiritual journey since I was 15 and entered into my first abusive relationship.  He convinced me that Catholicism was wrong in so many ways and made me stop going to church, much against my mother's thoughts on the idea.  She of course has always been a fabulous mother who never wanted to push me but more guide me towards anything that would make me happy and safe.  For 12 years I have continued this patter of abusive relationships.  It's part of the reason that I have such low self-confidence and strength in who I am as a person.  I have also similarly been in and out of church, exploring other religions, examining my own spirituality, etc.  I tended to stop going to church once I found a new guy who didn't agree with it and would stay out for quite a while.  (I have a friend who says that emotional abuse and control is the worst of all offenses because it targets who we are as people, not just pain to our body).  It wasn't until my son was born that I decided I wanted to return to Catholicism.  It helps that the priest that baptized my son is a true spiritual leader, guiding people to make their own choices, not expecting perfection from anyone, and truly trying to help people understand the teachings of Christ.  If I had lived in Dallas, returning to church each week would be no problem.  But, sadly, I'm still stuck in St. Louis so I keep going back to my in and out occasional visits to church, not always following through, etc. etc. 

So for the past three weeks I have been returning.  I had yet still to find a priest I like, but I'm really trying to change who I am, look at the world and myself differently, and that's hard to do when your virtually alone in a city with a young child.  So God I told myself I was putting it in God's hands and if I could get some guidance in my one hour a week of church, then that is all I want or need from Him.  Today, I went to church, kid free because his dad ACTUALLY took him like he said he would (amazing I know).  The priest was one I hadn't heard speak before even though he is the head priest of the church.  I connected instantly to his words and was taken in.  I literally had that feeling like he was speaking to me.  I felt guided and blessed and had a deeper understanding of how to move forward with my life.  All of this and part of his homily had to address the second reading about women being subordinate to the husbands.  Anyone who knows my overly feminist ideals on life know that I was probably slightly irritated when that homily started. 

He spoke about how when we are young, we have a desire to leave our homes, venture out into the world and see new things that we swear our parents were always keeping from us.  Everyone knows when they are a teenager fresh out of high school that our parents were DEFINITELY keeping all the "cool" things about the world from us for 18 years.  This was most certainly me.  I never had a desire to go back to Dallas or live in Texas for the rest of my life.  Then he proceeded to say that as we get older our desires change and we want to go back home.  The difficult part with this is knowing that if and when we do go back, we are not going back the same person, we're not planning to return to being the person that left, and don't need to stay at a stand still because we returned.  In sense, we need to continue to move forward while still embracing the past. 

This spoke to me on so many levels.  In the past 8 months, I have begun this journey of moving forward and going back.  I have regularly seen a counselor for all of the relationship issues that I have while continually going back and forth on a relationship that I knew was not right for me.  I have had to become a mother while still trying to hold on to the youth that I have.  I have made decisions to move back, decisions to stay in St. Louis, decisions that are changing every day.  But ultimately, God puts us on a journey to find what is already inside of us.  A journey to find that true person that we already are, but refuse to acknowledge. 

I don't know a lot about myself at this point as I think I kind of got stuck at 15 years old trying to be who that person wanted me to be, and then next and the next.  But, I now am starting to see clearer with each day that passes.  My son was a beautiful gift from God and even though he drives me CRAZY at times, he was given to me (through two forms of birth control) to bless my life by helping to guide him to be a positive person.  My family (biological and not) have shown me that they support me through every step no matter how much distance is placed between us.  And God is leading me to see that the best way for me to truly move forward with my life, to truly learn who I am and what I am capable of, I need to go back to who I was.  I need to go back to the place I was always so eager to leave.  Not just the physical, but the emotional place, the spiritual place, the physical place, and the supportive place.  I have embraced that it will not be an easy journey, but of course it I was easy, I wouldn't appreciate it for what I have learned along the way.

SICK AND TIRED

I'M SO SICK AND TIRED OF EVERYONE TELLING ME THAT I SHOULDN'T BE COMPLAINING AND MAD ANYMORE!  I AM FUCKING MAD AS HELL! 

The simple fact that everyone thinks that I should be fine with the fact that my son's father lives 20 feet away and is working on week two of not seeing him or doing shit for him.  I'm mad that he is now using his other kid to piss me off even though deep down I know he's equally as shitty of a parent to her.  I'm sick of the fact that he has to have SOME way to control my life and beat me to the ground and that he uses our son to do it.  He punishes our son for his own sick twisted satisfaction.  I'm SO tired of him trying to convince the world that he is SOOOO proud of being a father when really he doesn't care at all about anyone except himself.  But even more so, I'm SO tired of everyone acting like that because I need someone to vent to and empathize with me, it means that I'm not "moving on."  I've been doing everything I can to move on.  I've been going out more, trying to stress less, but he just continues to beat me up with every inch he can. 

It's set now.  By this time next year, no matter what I will be in Texas.  The only thing stopping me is him decided to fight for him, which at this point I would take cause at least it means he MIGHT want him in his life.  I have researched the costs to have my son's name changed.  It will be expensive, but his new name will still be same first name as his dad since he already responds to it, but the middle name will be his nickname and his last name will be mine.  My son deserves better then the scum that he got.  He deserves better then the bull shit that he gives him.  He will be able to bounce back from this, no matter how much harder it will be for me. 

I am sick to my stomach with anger.  I am sick to my stomach of my inability to deal with all of this bullshit.  I'm about to crack again.  I sometimes wonder what it would've been like if I had gone with my originally plan and put my son up for adoption.  If I hadn't kept him in this ridiculous situation and instead I tried to provide him with a home that had two parents.  If I had let him have what he deserves which is an actively involved mother and father.  Maybe I wouldn't be as stressed and overwhelmed and unhappy with life in general.  Perhaps everything would be better.  But, I guess it's to late to think about that.  For now I'll just keep miserably trying to get through.

One week

We're gonna play a new game called how long can a parent live 20 feet from his child and NOT see him or even call to ask about him.  So far we are at one week.  While this regularly irritates me beyond all belief, I have decided that it is no longer my job to push a man to be a father, cause that doesn't make him a father either.  I think if I get to two months, I will actually attempt to change my son's name, but we shall see. 

I just don't understand how people, mother or father, can have kids and not want to be part of their lives.  Most parents need a break, time to "reset," but I always miss my son after one night without him.  I just can't wait to pick him up, snuggle on him, and love him.  I just recently had a guy start talking to me and I'm starting to pick up on those "dead beat" daddy vibes already.  CUT!  I'm just not gonna take it anymore!

On another note, I have applied to 6 jobs in Dallas now and have found at least three more that I'm planning to apply for by tomorrow.  I have put in my notice to my part-time job and will be done with it by the end of the month.  My doctor is starting to get concerned that my blood pressure is being elevated and she wants to try to reduce as much stress as possible before it sky rockets.  Hopefully, this stuff can help me, even though I have also explained to my doctor that my real stress is only 20 feet away. 

My son is officially a year and a half now and parenting a child this age is becoming more and more challenging, especially doing it alone.  However, he is also the sweetest, most loving child I think there is.  He always knows just when to give me a hug and loves to blow kisses at me.  You my friend says that he likes to look at me like I'm "God" and while I would never be as great as the actual God, it's pretty damn amazing to know that someone loves me that unconditionally at this point. 

So I'll keep going, keep trying and living my life each day.  Keep making the improvements that I need to.  I was doing well at achieving most things so far on my list.  My house is clean (although not cleaned out), I bought new clothes and I've been trying to make myself feel good on the outside.  I just wish I didn't still feel so broken and alone all the time.  I wish I felt like everything was making a difference.  Someone told me that life is a roller coaster ride and once you start to feel on top again, you often just fall down the slope.  The hard part is getting back up the next hill.  But, that's what I keep trying to do.  Get back up the hill. 

I guess it must be true . . .

So today I went to pick my son up from the place he's been staying for a couple of days so I could gather my thoughts and reduce some of my stress.  The told me when I picked him up that he was an absolute joy and so sweet and that I could bring him back anytime.  I then proceeded to go to a parenting consultation to talk about normal child development and have her monitor my son's and I interactions with each other.  She also said that my son was adorable, sweet, and seemed to be very normal for his age and that I was doing a fabulous job as a mother.  So I guess it's really true, I'm not a bad mom.  In fact I'm a fabulous mom based on the opinions of complete strangers who have no reason to tell me otherwise.  Actually, they even have to tell me if I'm doing a bad job based on legal obligations.  I just need to surround myself by only people that support this thought.  It has been a good day. 

On another note, his dad claims that he's gonna take him tomorrow night and Friday during the day.  Stay tuned to see if this goes peacefully or not . . .

Have a little help from my friends :)

So yesterday was a low point for me.  Bad, bad day involving to much crying, emotions, anger, etc.  Part of the reason I even started writing was because I felt myself getting to this point.  However, one thing I gained from this day, and today where I decided to take a "mental health" day off from work, is this:  "Help is always available, it just may not be in the form you want or expect."

Single motherhood is probably one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I'm not one to take stress well.  I don't think anyone gets pregnant and decides to keep their baby thinking "I don't need  any help, I got this all on my own."  Most people have the desire to have the father activelyinvolved in their child's life, have family support surrounding them constantly, etc.  It's hard to accept that this is not always what happens.  Sometimes you live 10.5 hours away from your family, surrounded only be his dad's family.  Sometimes his dad decides shortly after you have the child that parenting is something you do when you want to and starts to disconnect from you and the child.  The parent actually raising the child has to eventually accept in this situation that the help he/she wants (i.e. constant father support, her own family) is not available.  But, it's not until you do this that you can truly be happy and enjoy mothering alone.  This requires asking for help where you know you can get it though, which has never been an easy task for me, as I don't want people to think I'm incapable or a bad mom. 

Yesterday, during my meltdowns I finally had people reach out to me.  My dear co-worker who is starting to become a good friend told me that she is free every Tuesday and Thursday night so I can come over and have our kids play while I hang out, go to the store, etc.  My son's uncle told me that he would help me clean the whole house.  My other friend who doesn't live here listened to me for hours on the phone, even after her own upsetting event occurred, to support me emotionally.  My son's aunt, grandmother, and papa keep telling me to come over whenever needed and agreed to buy him things that I may need and not be able to afford at the time.  One friend has an amazing son as well and is always wanting some playdates, allowing me some much needed adult time as well.  And yet another friend bought me dinner and a drink and helped make me laugh the whole time.

It may not be what I WANT in the form of help, because that option is 20 ft away and has stopped caring.  It may not be MY family.  But, at this point in time, they have shown me all that they are what I NEED and they are the ones that are here.  Now it's up to me to ask them for help before I have a meltdown.  It's up to me to use the love that they are wanting to show me to get me through a tough time.  For all of them and others who are starting to reach out, I am grateful.

I slept in till 11:30 today and woke up feeling re-energized.  I have become way to low.  But, like they always say, when you hit bottom the only way to go is up, and I'm ready to start the climb now.  I just need some help from my friends to get me to the top. :)   

Picking up the pieces . . .

There comes a time after every break up where a girl finds herself in that miserable state.  Mine is around the beginning of month number two.  It's the reason my parents gave me my inevitable title of "boyfriend dejour" when I was in high school.  I could never go longer then two month because I needed one to get over the other.  That's always easy to do when you have no kids, a good income, and an active social life and way to meet people.  As a single mom, things become different.  You now have to worry about "is this the right person to bring into my family" or "do they care about kids?"  Or my favorite "how am I even supposed to meet someone between nap time, playdates, two jobs, and hopefully sleeping?"  I realized today that when your only a month out of a break-up, you don't.  You instead rebuild yourself, your life, your self-esteem, etc. before you run the risk of someone else taking it all away from you again. 

Maybe it's because I ALWAYS have a boyfriend that I never really accepted how much they have brought me down.  My son's father has probably been the worst of all.  After a vicious attack from him this morning that questioned my mothering abilities, I realized that my life has been squashed one break up at a time till I could no longer survive without my significant others approval.  Of course that only attracts people who like to step on bugs and squish them further into the ground, so you can imagine that I have pretty low.  It took 4 people telling me today that I'm a great mom for me to start considering that it might be true and only one person to convince me that I was awful.  So here I am deciding that I need to rebuild myself, put back together all the shattered pieces of myself that are on the ground.  After all, if I can't do this, then I really won't be a good mom. 

As a planner, there is no better way for me to do this then to take concrete steps to try and better myself.  It may all seem mediocre on paper, but in reality, it won't be till I eliminate the chaos and hate from my life before I can begin to work on my inner self.

So I give you world, my list of things to do:

1.  Begin to ask for help (trust me this is the hardest thing for me to do and one reason why I put up with craziness from his father still)
2.  Clean out/organize my house
3.  Budget and attempt to organize my financial life
4.  Tell myself at least one positive thing a day, write it on a post-it note, stick it on bathroom mirror so I'm forced to see different ones each day
5.  Try a new activity till I find one that I like
6.  Meet new people
7.  Apply for jobs in Texas (so I can hopefully get home one day)

That's it.  It's not much and it's still a long way from me feeling like this awesome empowered person, but ya know, it takes a long time to climb back to the top.

How do single moms actually have the time for a social life?

I should preface this whole thing, especially since it's my first time writing in a long time to say that my son is 18 months old.  At about 16 months old his dad decided to move out of the house that we shared and move in directly across the street with another woman.  Needless to say that this has not helped with any kind of process of "getting over him" as I would expect to normally be going through.  To top that off, I have felt a lot like a single parents for most of my son's life.  You know those parents who choose when they want to be parents, or are parents because it's convenient for them, or like to claim to be parents just because half of their DNA made the child . . . Ya that's his dad.  To say I never loved the man would be a lie, but to say I don't feel like an idiot for still loving him would be the truth.  I decided to write as a way of helping me process through everything, tell funny stories about my son, and maybe see if some of my adventures on this new path in life can help anyone else who may be in a similar place. 

So to say that I'm not still slightly nuerotic about everything with his dad may be a lie.  I mean it's MUCH harder to get over someone when you have a child with them, even harder still when you have to see them in their new "relationship" everyday, and EVEN HARDER when you know that he spends more time with his new girlfriends daughter then he does with his own child.  I'm still pretty crazy feeling all the time.  Add on top of that two jobs and full time parenting, it's enough to make anyone person go completely insane.  Not to mention that I don't have any family or friends in this god forsaken town.  All my friends moved after we graduated from college and stayed here for my boyfriend/son's father.  Now I'm trapped.  So lack of friends + to much work = no play for this single momma.  Which led me to my first thought for today - how the hell do all these "single moms" have so much time to have a social life?

I mean honestly.  I look at all these friends I have on facebook (you know that evil thing created by those guys at Harvard designed to destroy people's lives).  There are quite a few single moms on there.  Yet every weekend they are going to the club/bar/dinner/movies/anywhere that does not involve their VERY young children.  I could understand this if it was every so often, but sometimes it's two-three times in one weekend.  They also have their kids in daycare all week and are sometimes going out on week nights too.  I'll admit, most of my ranting about this comes out of shear jealousy, but seriously who is really watching your kids if your so busy getting drunk and/or finding the next guy to make a baby daddy?  And this is not just targeted at single moms.  If you CREATE a baby, you should probably stay home with them a few weekends here and there.  Your parents already raised their children.  I'm not against grandparents getting the kids occasionally, but honestly, it's not their responsibility to parent anymore.

On a personal note, if your going out with your "man"/little boy (because honestly that's what he is) every weekend while his son sits across the street and you never see him walk across to take him for longer then two hours a week, maybe you should start questioning why you decided to move him in with your 9 month old and go out and get drunk with him every weekend . . . .