One week

We're gonna play a new game called how long can a parent live 20 feet from his child and NOT see him or even call to ask about him.  So far we are at one week.  While this regularly irritates me beyond all belief, I have decided that it is no longer my job to push a man to be a father, cause that doesn't make him a father either.  I think if I get to two months, I will actually attempt to change my son's name, but we shall see. 

I just don't understand how people, mother or father, can have kids and not want to be part of their lives.  Most parents need a break, time to "reset," but I always miss my son after one night without him.  I just can't wait to pick him up, snuggle on him, and love him.  I just recently had a guy start talking to me and I'm starting to pick up on those "dead beat" daddy vibes already.  CUT!  I'm just not gonna take it anymore!

On another note, I have applied to 6 jobs in Dallas now and have found at least three more that I'm planning to apply for by tomorrow.  I have put in my notice to my part-time job and will be done with it by the end of the month.  My doctor is starting to get concerned that my blood pressure is being elevated and she wants to try to reduce as much stress as possible before it sky rockets.  Hopefully, this stuff can help me, even though I have also explained to my doctor that my real stress is only 20 feet away. 

My son is officially a year and a half now and parenting a child this age is becoming more and more challenging, especially doing it alone.  However, he is also the sweetest, most loving child I think there is.  He always knows just when to give me a hug and loves to blow kisses at me.  You my friend says that he likes to look at me like I'm "God" and while I would never be as great as the actual God, it's pretty damn amazing to know that someone loves me that unconditionally at this point. 

So I'll keep going, keep trying and living my life each day.  Keep making the improvements that I need to.  I was doing well at achieving most things so far on my list.  My house is clean (although not cleaned out), I bought new clothes and I've been trying to make myself feel good on the outside.  I just wish I didn't still feel so broken and alone all the time.  I wish I felt like everything was making a difference.  Someone told me that life is a roller coaster ride and once you start to feel on top again, you often just fall down the slope.  The hard part is getting back up the next hill.  But, that's what I keep trying to do.  Get back up the hill.