Tuesday, January 1, 2013

2013 has begun!!!

I have had a whirlwind of a year in 2012, from baby daddy drama, to relationship issues, to trying to figure out when and how to move back to Texas, how to be a great mom on my own, and everything in between.  I woke up this morning and told my son that this is the year he turns two or "twooooo" as he likes to say, but really it's a year of great changes for him.  He gets to start potty training, he has to learn to sleep in a "big boy" bed (even though I dread this switch), he has successfully lost all of his "baby" stuff, talking, hopping, and doing everything as a "kid" now and not a baby.  Along with that is massive changes for us as a family. 

I ended my year on a new path.  I was dating a guy who I thought might have some potential, but sadly I have come to realize that his life drama and issues have been bringing me down and affecting me in a negative way.  I was told a week before the New Year that I was the reason he had so many problems and I actually made a rational health decision a few days later that I will not be blamed for another person's problems.  This is the first New Year that I entered without someone in my life since 2008 and surprisingly I wasn't sad a lonely feeling.  I spent the evening playing with my son till he went to bed, talking with one of my good girflriends about changes we would like to make this year, and catching up on one of my favorite TV shows.  I discussed my New Year's resolutions, which are different from any other year.  One is to start writing on here more.  This is a good processing ground, a good way for me to reflect on decisions I am making, and a good place to see if I'm really sticking to the changes that I want to make.

I vowed to make this year about me.  Yes, I am a mother and my son is the most important person to me, but I think it's time I make myself a little more important.  Don't worry, I'm not planning to neglect him and pretend like he doesn't exist now, but I have found that he's happiest when I care for myself first.  I need to start getting back to things that I personally enjoy, making time for myself and my own needs.  I want to get out more, see my friends, and actually introduce my son to more fun and exciting things.

I also want to resolve some of my financial issues.  I started to prepare for this at the end of the year, but now I need to refocus.  I have let myself slack and have had my credit seriously impacted.  I plan to catch up on my bills and stay focused on budgeting and my expenses. 

Finally, I plan to keep making some of the changes that I started on last year.  I plan to utlize my counselor, focus on my health (both mental and physical, but don't worry I'm probably not gonna go on some crazy diet that I'll quit after three months), and start making some positive decisions.  I plan to re-focus my job search in Texas and start doing what I was doing before.  I plan to bring my faith back into my life more and let God guide me through the rough times.

2013 is a new start and a new focus.  I just hope that I can hold onto this feeling for longer then most people do, I hope that I can make the changes needed, and I hope more then anything that my son continues to know what happiness and love is on a daily basis. 

Sunday, September 9, 2012


The biggest lesson I have learned about being a mother (not just a single mother, but a mother in general) is the power of strength.  It is something that I believe no mother can live without.  You have to have the strength to persevere, continue to fight through anything, and hold together for the well-being of your children.  This doesn't mean that you can't break down every so often, or decide that it's become to much and need a break.  But ultimately, mother's have this insane ability to dig deep down inside of them and find that one little drop of strength that they have left to propel them forward.

This past Friday, my house was broken into.  Yes I was furious, so much to a point that when my poor 19 month old who had no sense anything being wrong continued to destroy my house, I put him the crib and he sat their crying till I could wrap my head around everything.  Luckily, the only thing that was taken from the house was the TV and I had to have the locks changed.  My renters insurance will cover about 100 dollars of the replacement value for my TV.  I was mad about the violation of my private personal space.  However, I'm grateful at the same time that all I had to replace was a TV and that no one was home when it happened.  During this process, I had to find the little bit of strength that I had to just get up and move on from the sucky situation and continue to live my life.

Yesterday, I was yelled at by my son's dad when he called me.  He wanted to call and "check" on things after the break-in.  He didn't ask about our son, but just what happened.  Eventually I started asking him when he was coming to take his son (as he claimed he would be taking him that night) as his mom was planning to give me a little bit of money to buy some things for the baby.  This turned into an all out fit on his end.  According to him "if it's not her kids, then she shouldn't be just handing over cash to you."  Well this would make sense if I was some crazy drug addict.  But, considering that I have always taken money she gives me to buy stuff for my baby, why is it an issue if she decides to just give me money to spend on him.  It's her money anyway.  It took every last ounce of strength from me to not yell at him or get baited into his argument.  He was successful a couple of times, but I held out, never raised my voice, and just said whatever to the whole thing.  Plus, he's not helping to support them so what would he rather have happen, his son miss out of things he NEEDS or his mom just say "here's 20 bucks go buy what he needs."  Looking back, I think it's more that he's mad that she won't give him money but she'll give me money.  Of course, this could have to do with our individual track records when it comes to her investment.  The other interesting thing to note from this whole thing is that because his dad was mad, he decided he was no longer taking him last night . . . I could write a whole post about my thoughts on this, but won't because I don't want to get myself stressed. 

Ultimately though, I have noticed an overall change in my level of strength and confidence.  I have stopped calling his dad trying to get him to play daddy.  I have set boundaries in my life.  I have started focusing on my energy on things that I must or that make me happy.  When I think of what has attributed to my changes in behavior over these past two years, I can honestly say that it's becoming a mother.  My son gives me the power to keep driving forward, no matter how uncomfortable or impossible it seems.  Not everyday is easy, and some are downright hard, but I know that I have made some changes that are for the better and hopefully will stay strong enough to never go back. 

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Moving forward and going back

Have you ever strayed from going to church for a long time or been a weird spiritual break only to start going back and start thinking that the priest/pastor/whatever you call them in your faith wrote his sermon planning your return?  This happens to me literally every time.

I have been on this weird emotional/spiritual journey since I was 15 and entered into my first abusive relationship.  He convinced me that Catholicism was wrong in so many ways and made me stop going to church, much against my mother's thoughts on the idea.  She of course has always been a fabulous mother who never wanted to push me but more guide me towards anything that would make me happy and safe.  For 12 years I have continued this patter of abusive relationships.  It's part of the reason that I have such low self-confidence and strength in who I am as a person.  I have also similarly been in and out of church, exploring other religions, examining my own spirituality, etc.  I tended to stop going to church once I found a new guy who didn't agree with it and would stay out for quite a while.  (I have a friend who says that emotional abuse and control is the worst of all offenses because it targets who we are as people, not just pain to our body).  It wasn't until my son was born that I decided I wanted to return to Catholicism.  It helps that the priest that baptized my son is a true spiritual leader, guiding people to make their own choices, not expecting perfection from anyone, and truly trying to help people understand the teachings of Christ.  If I had lived in Dallas, returning to church each week would be no problem.  But, sadly, I'm still stuck in St. Louis so I keep going back to my in and out occasional visits to church, not always following through, etc. etc. 

So for the past three weeks I have been returning.  I had yet still to find a priest I like, but I'm really trying to change who I am, look at the world and myself differently, and that's hard to do when your virtually alone in a city with a young child.  So God I told myself I was putting it in God's hands and if I could get some guidance in my one hour a week of church, then that is all I want or need from Him.  Today, I went to church, kid free because his dad ACTUALLY took him like he said he would (amazing I know).  The priest was one I hadn't heard speak before even though he is the head priest of the church.  I connected instantly to his words and was taken in.  I literally had that feeling like he was speaking to me.  I felt guided and blessed and had a deeper understanding of how to move forward with my life.  All of this and part of his homily had to address the second reading about women being subordinate to the husbands.  Anyone who knows my overly feminist ideals on life know that I was probably slightly irritated when that homily started. 

He spoke about how when we are young, we have a desire to leave our homes, venture out into the world and see new things that we swear our parents were always keeping from us.  Everyone knows when they are a teenager fresh out of high school that our parents were DEFINITELY keeping all the "cool" things about the world from us for 18 years.  This was most certainly me.  I never had a desire to go back to Dallas or live in Texas for the rest of my life.  Then he proceeded to say that as we get older our desires change and we want to go back home.  The difficult part with this is knowing that if and when we do go back, we are not going back the same person, we're not planning to return to being the person that left, and don't need to stay at a stand still because we returned.  In sense, we need to continue to move forward while still embracing the past. 

This spoke to me on so many levels.  In the past 8 months, I have begun this journey of moving forward and going back.  I have regularly seen a counselor for all of the relationship issues that I have while continually going back and forth on a relationship that I knew was not right for me.  I have had to become a mother while still trying to hold on to the youth that I have.  I have made decisions to move back, decisions to stay in St. Louis, decisions that are changing every day.  But ultimately, God puts us on a journey to find what is already inside of us.  A journey to find that true person that we already are, but refuse to acknowledge. 

I don't know a lot about myself at this point as I think I kind of got stuck at 15 years old trying to be who that person wanted me to be, and then next and the next.  But, I now am starting to see clearer with each day that passes.  My son was a beautiful gift from God and even though he drives me CRAZY at times, he was given to me (through two forms of birth control) to bless my life by helping to guide him to be a positive person.  My family (biological and not) have shown me that they support me through every step no matter how much distance is placed between us.  And God is leading me to see that the best way for me to truly move forward with my life, to truly learn who I am and what I am capable of, I need to go back to who I was.  I need to go back to the place I was always so eager to leave.  Not just the physical, but the emotional place, the spiritual place, the physical place, and the supportive place.  I have embraced that it will not be an easy journey, but of course it I was easy, I wouldn't appreciate it for what I have learned along the way.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012



The simple fact that everyone thinks that I should be fine with the fact that my son's father lives 20 feet away and is working on week two of not seeing him or doing shit for him.  I'm mad that he is now using his other kid to piss me off even though deep down I know he's equally as shitty of a parent to her.  I'm sick of the fact that he has to have SOME way to control my life and beat me to the ground and that he uses our son to do it.  He punishes our son for his own sick twisted satisfaction.  I'm SO tired of him trying to convince the world that he is SOOOO proud of being a father when really he doesn't care at all about anyone except himself.  But even more so, I'm SO tired of everyone acting like that because I need someone to vent to and empathize with me, it means that I'm not "moving on."  I've been doing everything I can to move on.  I've been going out more, trying to stress less, but he just continues to beat me up with every inch he can. 

It's set now.  By this time next year, no matter what I will be in Texas.  The only thing stopping me is him decided to fight for him, which at this point I would take cause at least it means he MIGHT want him in his life.  I have researched the costs to have my son's name changed.  It will be expensive, but his new name will still be same first name as his dad since he already responds to it, but the middle name will be his nickname and his last name will be mine.  My son deserves better then the scum that he got.  He deserves better then the bull shit that he gives him.  He will be able to bounce back from this, no matter how much harder it will be for me. 

I am sick to my stomach with anger.  I am sick to my stomach of my inability to deal with all of this bullshit.  I'm about to crack again.  I sometimes wonder what it would've been like if I had gone with my originally plan and put my son up for adoption.  If I hadn't kept him in this ridiculous situation and instead I tried to provide him with a home that had two parents.  If I had let him have what he deserves which is an actively involved mother and father.  Maybe I wouldn't be as stressed and overwhelmed and unhappy with life in general.  Perhaps everything would be better.  But, I guess it's to late to think about that.  For now I'll just keep miserably trying to get through.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

One week

We're gonna play a new game called how long can a parent live 20 feet from his child and NOT see him or even call to ask about him.  So far we are at one week.  While this regularly irritates me beyond all belief, I have decided that it is no longer my job to push a man to be a father, cause that doesn't make him a father either.  I think if I get to two months, I will actually attempt to change my son's name, but we shall see. 

I just don't understand how people, mother or father, can have kids and not want to be part of their lives.  Most parents need a break, time to "reset," but I always miss my son after one night without him.  I just can't wait to pick him up, snuggle on him, and love him.  I just recently had a guy start talking to me and I'm starting to pick up on those "dead beat" daddy vibes already.  CUT!  I'm just not gonna take it anymore!

On another note, I have applied to 6 jobs in Dallas now and have found at least three more that I'm planning to apply for by tomorrow.  I have put in my notice to my part-time job and will be done with it by the end of the month.  My doctor is starting to get concerned that my blood pressure is being elevated and she wants to try to reduce as much stress as possible before it sky rockets.  Hopefully, this stuff can help me, even though I have also explained to my doctor that my real stress is only 20 feet away. 

My son is officially a year and a half now and parenting a child this age is becoming more and more challenging, especially doing it alone.  However, he is also the sweetest, most loving child I think there is.  He always knows just when to give me a hug and loves to blow kisses at me.  You my friend says that he likes to look at me like I'm "God" and while I would never be as great as the actual God, it's pretty damn amazing to know that someone loves me that unconditionally at this point. 

So I'll keep going, keep trying and living my life each day.  Keep making the improvements that I need to.  I was doing well at achieving most things so far on my list.  My house is clean (although not cleaned out), I bought new clothes and I've been trying to make myself feel good on the outside.  I just wish I didn't still feel so broken and alone all the time.  I wish I felt like everything was making a difference.  Someone told me that life is a roller coaster ride and once you start to feel on top again, you often just fall down the slope.  The hard part is getting back up the next hill.  But, that's what I keep trying to do.  Get back up the hill. 

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

I guess it must be true . . .

So today I went to pick my son up from the place he's been staying for a couple of days so I could gather my thoughts and reduce some of my stress.  The told me when I picked him up that he was an absolute joy and so sweet and that I could bring him back anytime.  I then proceeded to go to a parenting consultation to talk about normal child development and have her monitor my son's and I interactions with each other.  She also said that my son was adorable, sweet, and seemed to be very normal for his age and that I was doing a fabulous job as a mother.  So I guess it's really true, I'm not a bad mom.  In fact I'm a fabulous mom based on the opinions of complete strangers who have no reason to tell me otherwise.  Actually, they even have to tell me if I'm doing a bad job based on legal obligations.  I just need to surround myself by only people that support this thought.  It has been a good day. 

On another note, his dad claims that he's gonna take him tomorrow night and Friday during the day.  Stay tuned to see if this goes peacefully or not . . .

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Have a little help from my friends :)

So yesterday was a low point for me.  Bad, bad day involving to much crying, emotions, anger, etc.  Part of the reason I even started writing was because I felt myself getting to this point.  However, one thing I gained from this day, and today where I decided to take a "mental health" day off from work, is this:  "Help is always available, it just may not be in the form you want or expect."

Single motherhood is probably one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I'm not one to take stress well.  I don't think anyone gets pregnant and decides to keep their baby thinking "I don't need  any help, I got this all on my own."  Most people have the desire to have the father activelyinvolved in their child's life, have family support surrounding them constantly, etc.  It's hard to accept that this is not always what happens.  Sometimes you live 10.5 hours away from your family, surrounded only be his dad's family.  Sometimes his dad decides shortly after you have the child that parenting is something you do when you want to and starts to disconnect from you and the child.  The parent actually raising the child has to eventually accept in this situation that the help he/she wants (i.e. constant father support, her own family) is not available.  But, it's not until you do this that you can truly be happy and enjoy mothering alone.  This requires asking for help where you know you can get it though, which has never been an easy task for me, as I don't want people to think I'm incapable or a bad mom. 

Yesterday, during my meltdowns I finally had people reach out to me.  My dear co-worker who is starting to become a good friend told me that she is free every Tuesday and Thursday night so I can come over and have our kids play while I hang out, go to the store, etc.  My son's uncle told me that he would help me clean the whole house.  My other friend who doesn't live here listened to me for hours on the phone, even after her own upsetting event occurred, to support me emotionally.  My son's aunt, grandmother, and papa keep telling me to come over whenever needed and agreed to buy him things that I may need and not be able to afford at the time.  One friend has an amazing son as well and is always wanting some playdates, allowing me some much needed adult time as well.  And yet another friend bought me dinner and a drink and helped make me laugh the whole time.

It may not be what I WANT in the form of help, because that option is 20 ft away and has stopped caring.  It may not be MY family.  But, at this point in time, they have shown me all that they are what I NEED and they are the ones that are here.  Now it's up to me to ask them for help before I have a meltdown.  It's up to me to use the love that they are wanting to show me to get me through a tough time.  For all of them and others who are starting to reach out, I am grateful.

I slept in till 11:30 today and woke up feeling re-energized.  I have become way to low.  But, like they always say, when you hit bottom the only way to go is up, and I'm ready to start the climb now.  I just need some help from my friends to get me to the top. :)