The biggest lesson I have learned about being a mother (not just a single mother, but a mother in general) is the power of strength. It is something that I believe no mother can live without. You have to have the strength to persevere, continue to fight through anything, and hold together for the well-being of your children. This doesn't mean that you can't break down every so often, or decide that it's become to much and need a break. But ultimately, mother's have this insane ability to dig deep down inside of them and find that one little drop of strength that they have left to propel them forward.
This past Friday, my house was broken into. Yes I was furious, so much to a point that when my poor 19 month old who had no sense anything being wrong continued to destroy my house, I put him the crib and he sat their crying till I could wrap my head around everything. Luckily, the only thing that was taken from the house was the TV and I had to have the locks changed. My renters insurance will cover about 100 dollars of the replacement value for my TV. I was mad about the violation of my private personal space. However, I'm grateful at the same time that all I had to replace was a TV and that no one was home when it happened. During this process, I had to find the little bit of strength that I had to just get up and move on from the sucky situation and continue to live my life.
Yesterday, I was yelled at by my son's dad when he called me. He wanted to call and "check" on things after the break-in. He didn't ask about our son, but just what happened. Eventually I started asking him when he was coming to take his son (as he claimed he would be taking him that night) as his mom was planning to give me a little bit of money to buy some things for the baby. This turned into an all out fit on his end. According to him "if it's not her kids, then she shouldn't be just handing over cash to you." Well this would make sense if I was some crazy drug addict. But, considering that I have always taken money she gives me to buy stuff for my baby, why is it an issue if she decides to just give me money to spend on him. It's her money anyway. It took every last ounce of strength from me to not yell at him or get baited into his argument. He was successful a couple of times, but I held out, never raised my voice, and just said whatever to the whole thing. Plus, he's not helping to support them so what would he rather have happen, his son miss out of things he NEEDS or his mom just say "here's 20 bucks go buy what he needs." Looking back, I think it's more that he's mad that she won't give him money but she'll give me money. Of course, this could have to do with our individual track records when it comes to her investment. The other interesting thing to note from this whole thing is that because his dad was mad, he decided he was no longer taking him last night . . . I could write a whole post about my thoughts on this, but won't because I don't want to get myself stressed.
Ultimately though, I have noticed an overall change in my level of strength and confidence. I have stopped calling his dad trying to get him to play daddy. I have set boundaries in my life. I have started focusing on my energy on things that I must or that make me happy. When I think of what has attributed to my changes in behavior over these past two years, I can honestly say that it's becoming a mother. My son gives me the power to keep driving forward, no matter how uncomfortable or impossible it seems. Not everyday is easy, and some are downright hard, but I know that I have made some changes that are for the better and hopefully will stay strong enough to never go back.
